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Friday, February 4, 2011

Critique Contest Entry! The Kiss Off First Line

To help D4EO agent extraordinaire Weronika Janczuk celebrate her birthday, Brenda Drake of Brenda Drake Writes...under the influence of coffee and Weronika have teamed up and are holding a First Lines contest - the prize is a manuscript critique from Weronika and who DOESN'T want a professional critique?


My finished manuscript is a YA Contemporary called The Kiss Off.


SYNOPSIS


Poppy writes a scathing song, ‘The Kiss Off’ about her ex-boyfriend Cam and ex-good friend Nikki, the boyfriend stealer. She uploads it to YouTube, where it catches the attention of Ty, the lead singer of a local band. With this song, his band skyrockets to the top of the charts and into the public eye, bringing Poppy's emotional dirty laundry with it.


FIRST LINE


‘What rhymes with “douchebag”?’ I asked as one of my best friends Vanya turned knobs and pulled the legs out on the tripod. 


Okay, have at it, contestants and others who have an opinion! 


And Weronika, may I say...




Sairz

15 comments:

  1. Sairz, I adore that first line... as much I adore practically every other line too aka I adore the whole freakin thing. I hope you win!

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  2. I practically snorted my coffee at the computer screen with that first line. Great job. And it's actually my B-day in March and not Weronika's but I'm sure she'll appreciate the sentiment. For the month of March I'll be giving away more editing prizes and all you have to do is be a follower. :D

    Don't forget to post your entry to the contest post by Feb 9th, 8AM EST. That is where Weronika will be reading and judging the entries. She may very well hop to the participants' sites she likes to get a feel for the writer.

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  3. Shirley - thanks darl. You're wonderful. :)

    And Brenda - gah! Sorry for the b'day mix up! The pissed off dog is most definitely staring at YOU! :) Glad your coffee did NOT end up on the computer screen!

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  4. Great first line, now I'm trying to imagine what rhymes with douchebag. LOL!

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  5. Boyfriend-stealing witch-hag, obviously ;)

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  6. Ha! Now THAT'S an attention grabber. A little tweeking and tightening after the quote and you've got a real winner on your hands.

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  7. That's awesome! I love it! (And Elaine - that's the perfect rhyme).

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  8. I like the first part/dialogue, but felt a disconnect when the attention switched to the best friend. Is she so important that you need to mention her in the very first line?

    Thanks for sharing!

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  9. I agree with Kathryn--it's an attention getter, all right, but there's so much going on that it's hard to focus.

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  10. LOVE this! The only thing I might change would be to cut the "one of my best friends" part out. I think it reads a little smoother without it. Awesome beginning!

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  11. I agree with the above posts. The first sentence is an attention grabber, but then the second sentence takes away from that initial spark. Keep the focus to finish hooking the reader.

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  12. This is a great first line. If you leave it as is, make sure you pubt a comma before 'Vanya'. But I can aslo see cutting it off after 'i asked' to give it more punch on its own

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  13. The dialogue is great, but I think you should stay with the MC instead of switching focus to the friend. You can always do that in a later sentence. Good start!

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  14. Your first line is interesting. I'm your newest follower.
    bethfred.com

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  15. Hello everyone, thanks so much for your comments and your praise. I can absolutely see what you mean about the second line (which as there was speech first is TECHNICALLY still part of one sentence...right?)
    With a little bit of tinkering I can make it much better - because of your help.
    Thanks again all!

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Thanks for commenting! I love comments. I seriously do. Except when they're spam. I get a lot of spam here so, unfortunately, I had to add word verification to stamp that out. But I don't want to stamp out YOUR comment, so keep them coming, okay?